Single.

Why are women so into taking it slow these days?

Let's take some time to analyse this. Taking it slow would mean that you'd have to actually take time out to get to know her. Nothing wrong with that. BUT, the fact that you do gives away one important clue. It tells her that you're interested. Many will agree when i say that once a woman feels you're interested in her, the whole scenario changes. She'll be unavailable more often. It'll take longer for her to reply to your messages.

Which leads me to my second question: Why do they do this?

Do they do this out of spite for men that like them? Unlikely. Is this their way of saying that they're not interested? Possible. I'm out of ideas here.

Getting to know someone isn't as easy as it used to be.

Reality,

Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to show you what goes through my head when i'm at my worst... To make up for that, I'm typing this entry up to show you what goes through my head on a normal day. You see, almost all of the older entries in this blog were posted during my long struggle with myself; when i was desperately trying to find out who i was and what i was placed here for...

Now that that's out of the way...


I'm here... sitting in my usual spot in 3LB, at 12 midnight on the 30th of December, 2010. Yes, i know it's late. I'll have to admit though, the peace that resonates throughout the office after a hectic day is simply refreshing. No phones ringing. No people pushing numbers. Just silence.

My thoughts linger from how i plan to accomplish all the goals set for me when this year began, to how i'm going to spend the next year. Hopefully, I'll do something grand, because honestly, the fact that i can be content performing at such a dismal level bothers me to no end.

I came into this company with the simple goal of being the best at what i do. Somewhere along the way, i went off-course... way off-course. I'm not letting that happen again.

Hope.

The sky has never been darker.

Its another hot Wednesday night... Nothing new to break the monotony of things. The constant drone of my computer against the otherwise silent office brings some sense of comfort. It's been another long day. Another day spent trying to bring order to chaos. Another day trying to fill in all the gaps. Another day wasted trying to change the unchangeable.

I'm tired, yet i cannot rest.

I cannot go home... not in this state. Not while deep down inside, something important is noticeably missing. Not while i know that all i ever wanted is within sight, but out of reach...

Each day i slide further away.

Further away from the things i work so hard to attain.

In the end, i find myself stringing words and sentences together in a desperate attempt to show my confusion and disenchantment at the way things have become...

A year ago, i knew exactly what i wanted,I knew how to get it, and I knew what i was going to do with it. But now, I'm not so sure.

I don't even know who I am anymore.

The constant drones of the machines fill my ears... The sound leads me to think that this is all i'm meant for: A life surrounded by steel. Cold, emotionless, unyielding steel. There isn't much left to think of... Love that has come and gone, Friends that are with those they care for, and Hope that just flew out the window. All i have now are these machines.

Sometimes, i wish i could be more like the automatons i care for. Emotionless. Focused. Efficient. Unaffected by the human condition. I want to know what life is like without feeling. I want to be able to write and know what to say instead of stopping every minute for inspiration. I want to live without frowning or worrying all the time. I want and i want and i want.

Prayers go unanswered and each day is another disappointment waiting to happen. I tire of the incessant requests and procedures. i want to live up to what i was designed to be. I need to satisfy this emptiness inside. I need to feed this rage that has built up over the years. I long to take what's mine...

She says everything's going to be okay... that i'll do just fine. She also said she loved me. At least i know how "okay" i'm about to feel. I also know that forever lasts about a year, maybe less. I learned that loving only one person entails not getting caught with the other. I learned that her "mom" is actually a guy she's been making out with.

I don't want to do this shit anymore.

Fuck it.

The dark road ahead...

Its funny how removing a single element in a man's life can bring everything crumbling down. Even more amusing is how our past actions dictate future events...

Angry, Lonely... The two emotions that occupy my day to day existence. Sometimes i wonder if anything i do matters at all. I'm trapped in a cube, with the walls slowly closing in... and each day i grow a step closer to losing my life, my mind and my soul.

From the moment i wake up in the morning, I'm hounded by thoughts of loss that slowly eat away at my core. Its not pretty... Hell, it isn't even funny. I frequently wonder how i get through each day alive when there's little reason to live... I just don't see the point.

The first drops of rain fall...

The dark sky offers little comfort from the demons inside. The cold wind tearing at my skin only serves to remind me that i stand alone. Slowly but surely, i feel the bitterness and anger taking hold of me, turning me into something i neither wanted nor needed to be.

So it begins... nothing can ever be the same again. I'm coming for those that took the stars out of my sky.

Perhaps someday, it won't be so dark anymore...